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Jan. 23, 2009 :: 12:35 a.m.
I don’t know why I keep putting myself through this. It’s a roller coaster everyday and I always end up crashing down at the end of the day.
He’ll text. And I’ll automatically perk up. My Great Aunt Betty Jane could be suffering from some critical illness and that sadness [or the fact that I even had an Aunt Betty Jane] would fade as soon as I hear his ringtone or see his name appear.
And I do it to myself every time. I can never just look at the phone and shrug. I can’t put his texts, phone calls or IMs off for anything else. And I am still not important enough!
I will never be important enough to get that same response from him. I can try. I have tried. I do everything he wants. I bend all my personal rules. I compromise who I am; what I believe. And I want to please him. More than anyone else in the world, I want to be accepted by HIM.
And he cares. He says that he cares. His best friend says that he cares. But…how much? How much does he actually care for me? Enough to please me sexually? Enough to put up with my tantrums, my emotions, the fact that I’m acting like “such a woman”? Anyone can do that.
I have never felt this way…about anyone. Been so obsessed. So eager to please. So willing to go the extra mile to be merely noticed, but not thoroughly paid attention to. Not entirely focused on.
And I need help. I see everything around me for the fucked up stuff that it is, but I’ve become attached. And all these people, friends, foes and family have asked me why I stay. Why I allow myself to be this man’s jump-off, booty call, sideline ho, or third option.
And all I have to say is “because I love him.”
